ZE COMEDY

Hapa vinapatikana vichekesho vya kiswahili na  English...........karibu sana kwani kucheka pia ni afya!!!....ahahhahhaahah....uuuuhhhh......

TV YA RANGI

WAKUJA: Shkamoo mwenye duka

MWENYEDUKA: Marahaba karibu unataka nini.

WAKUJA: NImeambiwa unauza TV za rangi

MWENYEDUKA: Haswa hili duka kubwa bwana, kila kitu cha electronics kiko hapa

WAKUJA: Naomba TV ya rangi ya kijani 

 

 

 NIMECHANGANYA FANTA NA CHAI

WAKUJA: Kile nini chenye rangi nzuri?

MWENYE DUKA: Inaitwa Thermos, ukiweka kitu moto kinabaki moto, na ukiweka kitu baridi kinabaki baridi

WAKUJA: Aise safi sana niuzie....... Wakuja akainunua na wiki inayofuata akaenda nayo kazini kwake

JUMA: Wakuja nini hicho?

WAKUJA: Hii inaitwa thermos, ukiweka humu kitu cha moto kinabaki cha moto na kitu cha baridi kinabaki cha baridi

JUMA: Sasa umeweka nini humo?

WAKUJA: Nimweka vikombe viwili vya chai na chupa moja ya fanta

SINA CHENJI ONGEZA KIDOGO

Mwanakijiji kamfumania jamaa na mkewe, baada ya heka heka kali za kumlamba ngumi na vichwa kadhaa;
MGONI: Nisamehe ndugu yangu sirudii tena, niko tayari kukulipa fidia
MUME: Nilipe alfu tano
MGONI: Sawa mzee ila nina alfu kumi hapa sijui chenji kama unayo?

MUME: Sina chenji, nakuachia mke dakika tano tu zaidi, ongeza kidogo halafu hatudaiani.

 

NAKUMBUKA NILIPOKUWA MWANAUME

Mbongo kaenda Thailand, katika zunguka yake akapata mpenzi wakaenda hotelini kwake na kulala mpaka asubuhi. Asubuhi yake mdada wa KiThai akawa anaonekana hana furaha;

MBONGO: Vipi honey mbona unaonekana huna raha?

MTHAI: Nimekumbuka tu enzi kabla sijapata operesheni nilipokuwa mwanaume.

Jamaa alikuwa kaunta ya baa anateremsha kinywaji chake taratibu huku anasoma gazeti lile bingwa la kupindisha habari. Mara akaguswa bega;
MGUSABEGA: Samahani mzee unamfahamu Gulo Mweusi?...jamaa akatoa kanoti buku kake akaperuzi,
JAMAA: Gulo, Gulooo  eee G- G- G huyu hapa ndio namfahamu
MGUSABEGA: Mzee umewahi kulala nae?
JAMAA: Ndio
MGUSABEGA: Samahani mzee mimi ni mumewe na sijafurahishwa kabisa na kitendo hicho
JAMAA:(akaangalia tena kanoti buku) Hebu tuone Gulooo, D-D-D. Yap naona hapa hata mimi sikufurahishwa kabisaaa

 

TUMEMZIKA MWAKA WA TATU SASA

MGENI: Hodii
MAMA: Karibu
MGENI: Mzee yupo?
MAMA: Hayupo
MGENI: Naweza kumsubiri?
MAMA: Ukiweza......baada ya kusubiri masaa matatu
MGENI: Kwani yuko wapi?
MAMA: Makaburini
MGENI: Kwani atarudi saa ngapi?
MAMA: Sijui, tumemzika mwaka wa tatu sasa

HAYA JAKI ANDIKA 55

MWALIMU: Haya Jaki andika 55
JAKI: Naandikaje?
MWALIMU: Andika 5 halafu pembeni yake andika 5 nyingine. Jaki akaandika 5 halafu akakwama kuendelea
MWALIMU: Tatizo gani tena jaki si umalizie
JAKI: Mwalimu hii 5 ingine niandike mbele au nyuma ya hii 5 ya kwanza?

NILIKUJARIBISHIA

Jamaa alipitia baa akautandika mtindi vizuri, kisha akapata kimwana wakaenda gesti. Kama saa tisa usiku kashtuka akavaa harakaharaka na kukimbilia kwake, mkewe mvumilivu akamfungulia mlango alipoingia akaanza uwongo kuwa alikamatwa na polisi ndio maana kachelewa, wakati huo akiwa anavua nguo, ghafla mke akagundua jamaa kavaa G string,
MKE: Mungu wangu, mume wangu we si uliondoka na boxer hapa?
MUME:(akiwa kachanganyikiwa sana) Er unajua nilikununulia hii chupi sasa nikaona nikujaribishie kabisa

ALIFUMANIWA

Jamaa kaingia bar kamkuta kimwana mzuri, baada ya kupeana vinywaji vya kutosha;
MKAKA: Nimekupenda, unaonaje twende mahala faraga?
MDADA:Huna girlfriend?
MKAKA: Sina kabisaaaa, tuliachana siku nyingi.......masaa machache baadae wakati wanajitayarisha kutimka toka gesti;
MDADA: Mwanaume mzuri kama wewe inakuwaje ukaachana na  girlfriend wako?
MKAKA: Mke wangu alitufumania

MUME WANGU NAOMBA SIMU YAKO

MKE: Naomba simu yako plz
MUME: Ahh okay ngoja niwashe nilikuwa nimezima,

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FORMAT MeMoRY CARD
MUME: Hii hapa mke wangu sina cha kuficha

MKE: Jamani nilikuwa nataka tu kuangalia saa ngapi?

MALAIKA HAWASOMI TWITTER

Mkaka wa kidijitali alifariki alipofika peponi akaingia chumba cha kusailiwa;
MALAIKA: Karibu peponi bwana hebu tuambie duniani ulikuwa unafanya kitu gani cha maana
MKAKA: Jamani kwani hamkuwa mnasoma twitter? Mbona kila kitu nilikuwa naandika

YA LEOLEO KWENYE DALADALA

Leo kwenye daladala wadada wawili walikuwa wanagombea siti;
KONDA: Kuweni wastaarabu wakina dada, acheni ugomvi, haya mzee  zaidi ndie akae kwenye kiti..........wote wawili wamekataa kukaa

Methali za prakesh toka bombay:

(a) Mfa maji / tampa life Jacket, (b) Mwenda pole? Tachelewa kufika,
(c) Usipoziba ufa? Mizi chungulia dani, (d) usilo lijua? Iko uliza google,
(e) Ukipenda boga? goja mezi ya ramzani tapata (f) Maji yakimwagika? Dada tapiga deki,
(g) Bandubandu? Rafiki ya Jecha,  (h) Mla nawe, hafi nawe ila? Takimbia,
( i ) Hasira ya mkizi? Tafuna veve, (j) Mchamba wima? Karibu ya Hurumzi,
(k) Mficha maradhi? Taenda Loliondo hiyo, (l) Mkataa wingi? Takimbilia CHADEMA
(m) Baniani mbaya? Peleka Bombay kama sio naonea yeye (n) akili nyingi? Takuwa kama Mrema
(o) Kila ndege? Tatua airport tu (p) Penye kuku wengi? Chinja bili apana mtu najua

Kuna chabo kibao lakini hii kiboko!!! teh teh.......

 

Tamaa mbaya!!!!ahahahahaah.......

.

Ahahahhahhaaaah lol.........

Mkeo anapokulipia pesa kwa changudoa...

Haya mnaopenda kuiga.

Jamaa mmoja alikuwa anapendana sana na mkewe ambae

walikuwa wameishi pamoja kwa miaka sita. Kati ya mambo 

yaliyokuwa yakimfurahisha sana jamaa, ni tabia ya mkewe

kutokuwa na visingizio pale (jamaa) anapohitaji tendo la ndoa.

Mambo yalibadilika wakati mkewe alipokuwa na ujauzito

wa miezi nane ambapo mama hakuweza kuhimili shughuli kutokana

na watoto mapacha aliokuwa amewabeba.  Jamaa alilazimika

kulala chini kutokana na kuogopa kumbugudhi mkewe, na

kumkanyaga tumboni anapokuwa usingizini (malalavi)

Usiku mmoja wakati jamaa akigalagala chini kuutafuta usingizi,

mkewe akamuuliza kwa huruma endapo kama anajisikia sana

hamu.... Bila kusita jamaa akasema amezidiwa mno kwani wiki mbili

zilikuwa zimepita bila kuambulia kitu. Mkewe kwa huruma

akafungua pochi yake na kumpa mumewe noti ya shilingi elfu kumi

"nenda kwa yule mama wa nyumba ya tatu, mpe hii pesa

ulale nae usiku wa leo tu..."

 Jamaa akamtazama mkeo kwa mshangao huku akiogopa

kupokea pesa anayopewa akidhani ni mtego.

"Nimekuruhusu ukalale nae leo tu, najua mume wangu unateseka

sana na nakuonea huruma, hivyo nenda ukajipoze..."

Bila kusema neno jamaa akatoka na kuelekea kwa mwanamke

aliye elekezwa ambae yeye pia alikuwa akimfahamu na kumtamani sana.

Baada ya dakika chache akarudi nyumbani na kumwambia mkewe

:"amekataa shilingi elfu kumi, anasema nimpe elfu kumi na tano"

Kwa hasira mkewe akamjibu " huyu mwanamke mjinga sana, anataka

tumpe elfu kumi na tano ya nini? mbona yeye alipokuwa mjamzito

mumewe alikuwa ananipa elfu kumi tu, na sikuwahi kukataa???

Jamaa akaanguka na kuzimia...

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie h?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?..."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER... GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"

...and they lived happily ever after.

Teh teh uuuuh!

Question
What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Answer
Your salary! It comes once a month. Lasts About 3 or 4 days and if it does not come everyone is in trouble!

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
A lady sitting next asked
Are they your babies?
Man
No, I work in a Condom factory. These are customer complains.

A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him
Dad, why do you keep telling people you are dying of AIDS?
Man answered
So when I am dead no one will dare touch your mom.

School girl
I do not want to take the sex education class.
Teacher
Why not?
School girl
Someone told me the final exam would be oral.

IMAGINE 

imagine, unahave kiss na your lover, mara mdomoni unamkuta ana mabaki ya wali na mchicha, unamuuliza " sweet umetoka kula?" anakujibu "hapana nimetoka KUTAPIKA!.....kama ndio wewe utafanyaje?

CRAZY WIFE

Husband says
When I am gone you will never find another man like me.
Wife replied
What makes you think I would want another man like you!

Huyu nae eti Swagg

bonge la mshikaki umenonajeeeee????

UNAENDA TOILET UMEME UKIWA UMEKATIKA ,

MARA UNAWAKA GAFLA KUCHEKI NYUMA UNAKUTA HIVI UTAFANYAJE????

Anatafuta mchumba, awe mfupi na mwenye usafiri si unamuona hali yake??? vidume jitokezeni

Jamaa alikuwa na mke wa rafiki yake gest, ghafla simu ya mdada ikaita.
MDADA: Haloo , ok, sawa, alaaaa , ok have a nice time jamani msalimie mwambie na mimi mnitoe out siku moja. Ok sweety, miss you.
JAMAA:Nani huyo?
MDADA:Mume wangu huyo, ananambia yuko na wewe Morogoro mmeamua kulala huko leo........teh

Husband
Honey I have a problem at work.
Wife
Not I but we are one now-your problems are my problems.
Husband
Ok baby our secretary is pregnant by us.

Mfugaji mmoja kakutwa bar kalewa wakati kwa kawaida hanywi pombe.
RAFIKI:He vipi tena hata wewe leo umelewa
MFUGAJI: We acha bwana we acha, nimechanganyikiwa hapa
RAFIKI: Kuna nini nikusaidie?
MFUGAJI: Alfajiri niliamka ili nikammkamue ng'ombe maziwa. Leo ng'ombe kawa mkorofi sana hataki kukamuliwa ananitwanga mateke, nikatafuta kamba nikatanua miguu nikamfunga kwenye nguzo, kisha nikaunyanyua mkia nikaufunga kwenye kenchi, nilipomaliza kazi hii nikaamua kukojoa kabla ya kuanza kumkamua, ile namaliza kukojoa si mke wangu kaingia.
MKE:Heee mume wangu unamfanya nini ng'ombe?
Nimejaribu kumueleza kuwa nilikuwa namtayarisha ng'ombe kumkamua haelewi kitu!!!!

DOGO: Eti baba mtu stupid yuko je?
DADDY: Hilo ni swali zuri sana, a very good kweshen kwa kweli I am praud of you, you see mwanangu, mtu stupid ni yule ambaye akiulizwa just a simpo kweshen, yaani swali dogo sana basi huanza kulinyumbulisha na kuongeza mofimu na fonimu katika hilo swali, kuanza kutafuta, tena infact bila mantiki yoyote basis ya swali,na baada ya hapo kufanya mchanganuo na hati mae kukam up na solushenz ambazo in prinsipo hazikuweko katika swali husika kiasi cha kwamba aliyeuliza swali anakuwa haelewi hata kitu, umeelewa
DOGO: Hapana

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie h?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?..."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER... GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"

...and they lived happily ever after.

Teh teh uuuuh!

Bra Sizes:

A - Almost

B - Better

C - Cute

D - Damn good

E - Enormous

F - Fake

G - Gone South !

Uhhhhuh

TICHA AKASIRIKA

TICHA: Haya Juma niambie kinyume cha juu
JUMA: Chini
TICHA:Umepata
JUMA: Umekosa
TICHA: Nyamaza
JUMA: Piga kelele
TICHA: Inatosha
JUMA: Haitoshi
TICHA:Ntakupiga
JUMA:Sikupigi
TICHA: We pumbavu ntakupeleka kwa mwalimu mkuu unanitania?
JUMA: Mwalimu sikutanii najibu unayoniuliza
TICHA: Haya wote tokeni nendeni nje kucheza

MWAMBIE UNAMDAI MILIONI

Jamaa alikuwa anamdai mwenzie laki tano lakini kukawa na kukwepana kwenye kulipa , akaona aende kwa mwanasheria;
JAMAA: Jirani yangu namdai laki tano inaonekana anataka kukwepa kulipa nifanyeje?
MWANASHERIA: Una ushahidi?
JAMAA: Kwa kweli sina tulipeana kindugu
MWANASHERIA: Basi muandike barua mdai shilingi milioni moja yako
JAMAA: lakini namdai laki tano
MWANASHERIA: Haswa, tunachotaka arekibishe hilo kimaandishi ili tuwe na ushahidi toka kwake mwenyewe

 

Kwani kwako kuna vita shosti?

Mama mmoja mbeya alikuwa akimuona Mchungaji anaingia kwenye nyumba ya jirani yake kila siku, akashindwa kujizuia akamfwata mwenzie; 
Mama Udaku : Jirani mambo? 
Jirani : Poa 
Mama Udaku : Jirani kila siku namuona mchungaji anaingia kwako vipi anakuja kukuombea? 
Jirani : Shoga tafadhali achana na mimi. Kwako kila siku kuna Mwanajeshi anaingia, kuna vita kwako? Nijibu, Kwako kuna vita?

Mama Kivitz Vs Mama Vogue

Wamama wawili walijikuta magari yao yamegongana. Wakashuka kwenye gari wakaanza kutoleana kashfa, hasa yule aliyekuwa na vogue akamtukana sana mwenye Kivitz, japokuwa ndie aliyekuwa na makosa. Mwenye Kivitz akampigia mumewe simu.

MAMAKIVITZ: Mume wangu ninatatizo

MUME: Jamani niko bizy mkutanoni hebu lisov mwenyewe

MWENYE VOGUE akasema anampigia boy friend wake ndiye atakae ongea.

MWENYE VOGUE: Darling kuna mjinga mmoja kagonga gari uliloninunulia, please njoo.

Muda si mrefu jamaa akaja, kumbe alikuwa ndiye mume wa MAMAKIVTZ......kila mtu amalizie sinema hii

 

Hata mimi nilikuwa nakutania tu

Mbaba: Hellooo

Swity: Heloooo mambo mpenzi

Mbaba: Pouwa uwapi nilikuwa nataka nikuone baadae

Swity: Dah niko mbali, nimekuja huku Mbagala kuna rafiki yangu kafiwa na mume wa rafiki yake wa dadake. Sasa tuko huko tutakesha.

Mbaba: Loh bahati mbaya, nilikuwa nataka tukutane nikupe lunch halafu nina ka Galaxy kapya nilitaka kukupa.

Swity: Poa basi ngoja nijipange nije, nikukute wapi?

Mbaba: Niko maeneo ya posta hapa, sasa utaondokaje huko na msiba je?

Swity: Kwani kuna msiba? Nilikuwa nakutania tu.

Mbaba: Hata mimi nilikuwa nakutania tu bye

Maliza Bia wambie wakupe bili

Jamaa yangu Devi hana raha, mchana leo alipigiwa simu na Bosi wake ambae alikuwa safari, yeye mwenyewe wakati huo alikuwa bar akipata moja moto moja baridi saa za kazi;

Bosi: Vipi Devi? Mnaendeleaje na kazi hapo ofisini?

Devi: Mkuu hapa mambo safi sana tuko bizi sana, watu leo wamekuwa wengi utafikiri wametumwa bosi, hakuna hata nafasi ya kupumua

Bosi: Ok, Unaweza kunisaidia kitu kimoja?

Devi: Hakuna tabu  Mzee sema tu.

Bosi: Haya maliza hiyo bia yako, halafu nenda kaunta niulizie bili yangu changanya na bili yako 

Pedeshe yupo Coco Beach na wale wa kwenye luninga.
Pedeshe: Mtoto ulisema birthday yako next week?
Hani: Yeah
Pedeshe: Nataka nikununulie kitu unikumbuke daima, unaona lile BMW jekundu pale?
Hani: Wauuuu ukinunulia lile mbona watazima sigara zao, yu are soooo sweet, unajua kumhendo msichana, love kiss kiss,
Pedeshe: Subiriiii, unaona lile BMW jekundu, basi nimekununulia rangi ya kucha inamech rangi na lile BMW

We are standing up, we are sitting down

Mwalimu wa shule ya msingi alisikia Mkaguzi wa shule anakuja, basi akawatayarisha wanafunzi wake chapchap. Mkaguzi alipofika akawajaribu watoto kama wanaelewa kiingereza;

Mkaguzi: Stand Up, what are you doing?

Wanafunzi: We are standing up

Mkaguzi: Sit down, what are you doing?

Wanafunzi: We are sitting down. Mkaguzi akashtuka kuwa hawa wamekaririshwa tu;

Mkaguzi: Hands up, what are you doing?

Wanafunzi: We are handsing up